Did you check my resume?

Ever feel like you've been hired for a job and then suddenly feel very underqualified? Like you've walked into the office on the first day and have no idea what you are doing? I often feel like that. I look around and equipment, medications and a list of things that need to be done and I can't help but feel like I am woefully underqualified for the task that I have been given.

I can list a handful of people that I feel like are more equipt than I am for this. I have a lot of encouragements coming in, which can not be more appreciated. There are often times I still feel alone though I know without any doubt in my mind, that I am not. I love each of my family and friends so much. Everyone has been offering their help, their words and their thoughts. I don't know where I'd be without them. Losing my mind I am sure! I am reminded daily almost that people care, people are thinking about us and sending us prayers, good wishes and love.

Mom is in Washington this week. She is visiting my brother and his family and from what I hear, it's going better than we had been expecting, which is so amazing for them all. I know I have been worried it would not be the trip that would allow them joy and closure. I hope it continues to go well as she is off to Tuscon from there to see some friends. It's a lot, so hoping it's not too much for her. She is in the amazing hands of my sister in law Nicole who is my co-author on this blog. She's an amazing person who offers and gives me such strength and hope. She's a blessing to our family, my brother and myself. I hope more than anything that they enjoy their trip and that their goodbye's peaceful though they won't be easy. Nothing about the journey us kids have been given over the past few years has been easy.

Getting ready for a trip

Well, mom is finally doing better (as we can call it) She is in pain today. A level that we are calling "manageable" a level of pain that is acceptable so that she can remain as clear-headed as possible. With that being said, she is a bit foggy, which is also her new normal. She is always a bit foggy and "off" but that is our middle ground. The balance that I have searching for that I am sure will change in a few day's and I will be back to searching for it again. Like the elusive big foot, always on the search for something that may not actually exist or can truly be attained. I shall keep searching and evolving with her needs to keep things as comfortable as we can.

We are cautiously optimistic about her trip to go see my brother and his family. We know it's going to be a treat for them, but bitter-sweet as it will also be a goodbye of sorts. A last chance to visit and take pictures and enjoy time. How I wish I could freeze it for the boys and give them more of it.

I am still working on her bucket list though we have to manage it based both on how she's doing and budget wise.

She's resting today as tomorrow will be a long, exciting, exhausting trip for both her and Al.

Winter Magic

We don't normally see a "lot" of winter weather in here NC, but in the little area I live in, we do see some. A little further north and they see a good bit more. So, when I woke up yesterday morning and saw snow flurries outside, I knew I needed to drag everyone out of their beds, see how mom was feeling and get up to the mountains. She seemed to be feeling okay overall. Her pain stays around a 4 which is out "manageable" number. She's a little foggy here and there but was excited to get out of the house. There is not much way of knowing how many good days she will have, so when I find one, we try to take advantage of it. Even though good day's means we take a small pharmacy with us, air oxygen tanks, a wheelchair and extra supplies, we still managed to get out of the house in about an hour. Not too bad for the 7 of us! We went for a nice drive up to the Blue Ridge and Boone and did some looking around, took mom to a cool store and found a nice spot to take some pictures of her and Al and the girls. It was not a huge adventurous outing, but it was nice to be out, nice to enjoy the snow and nice to finally have some laughs.

Finding a balance

Yesterday was our oldest daughters birthday. She turned 15 and was pretty uncertain how she wanted to spend her day. Mom was here, so we had to find some balance between what she could and wanted to do and what Makenzie would enjoy. Makenzie wanted to have her hair done, but I thought walking into the salon with 9 people would be a bit much for the hairdresser, so we went to the mall. We stopped by Starbucks to get Makenzie's free bday drink and mom got a hot chocolate. It was nice to get her out of the house. We went to the mall and did some shopping and eventually ended up getting pedicures. Mom said it's been about 25 years since she's had one, so it was a nice treat. 3 out of 5 of us girls are super ticklish, so it was hilarious for the people when mom started laughing until she had tears and Lexie was laughing so hard I am pretty sure the mall could hear her! I giggled but, tried to keep it quiet as the whole place was cracking up at our laughing. I only did it because it's what Makenzie wanted, I hate people touching my feet. Mom had a good time though and we got her nails done too as a treat.  She was pretty tired, so we grabbed lunch and headed back to the house so she could rest until Makenzie's party.

Getting a pedicure 

At Makenzie's bday dinner

With the granddaughter's getting pedicures 

Makenzie had her party in 2 places, first the bowling alley, then the pizza place. Mom was too tired to make most of the bowling but, she did make it the last little bit. We went to the pizza place and had a pretty good time, but mom was not feeling well at all. She tried to hang in there but, she ended up having to leave a little early because she was so  nauseated. Nothing we did seemed to alleviate it, so we brought her home and gave her some medication and put her to bed.  She rested most of the night.

However, I was woken up by my youngest who said "grandma needs you" so when I got upstairs, she was in a lot of pain. She said she hurt pretty much everywhere at a 10. It was close to the time she would have gotten her "regular" dose of pain medication but, she was having "breakthrough" pain. It's not something that is easy to control. Finding the balance seems to be our main vocabulary these days. Too much pain medication and she's sleepy and a little out of it, not enough pain medication and she's hurting and with a high level of pain, she starts to panic and that makes everything way worse. So, we have her on an anxiety  medication that seems to help a little bit. Balance is hard to achieve and hard to understand when even mom doesn't know what she needs. All of the dogs follow her around and want to be right on top of her. It's funny and hard at the same time because most of the time she doesn't feel like having them right on top of her.

We made a family decision today that instead of going back and forth between the two houses, she's going to stay here. It's hard on her to have to move everything all the time and decide where she's going to sleep. Adam and the guys are hanging a new door in the living room so it's more like a bedroom so she has some privacy. Al and Adam are going to be bringing up some personal items from their house so it's more home like for her, some comfort items so she's more at ease.

It's a hard thing for everyone because everyone is doing the best they can to make sure she has what she needs but right now it's hard to know what that is. Most day's she's with it enough to understand and talk to us and have fun. However, on the day's when she's hurting and needs more pain medication, she's pretty out of it and can't really think straight and is sleeping most of the time. She is pretty emotional these day's. Coming to terms with the end of your life, especially when  you know it's coming but, you don't really  know when. Is scary and overwhelming. she cries a lot, trying to make amends or make sure everyone will be okay after she's no longer here. She's having a hard time in that regard. Encouraging her has become my new job though often it's just words that don't really hold any weight because I don't have the answers she needs or the words to make it better.



*Edit: Mom's been having trouble swallowing the past three day's. We are trying to figure out if it is acid reflux or if it's allergies or if it's in relation to the cancer. We are taking it easy on her and crushing her pills and putting them in things like pudding and applesauce. She is not a fan of the taste but at least she can get the pills down. She can eat soft things but things like crackers and toast and some other foods get "stuck" and she feels like she is choking a bit.

Balance... I am afraid at this point the scales are not within my reach.

out of the house for a bit

Today we got mom out of the house. She just ran some errands with me but, at least she got to get out and enjoy some of the sunshine.  The medication seems to be doing better for her. She was not as sleepy today and she was able to think a little more clearly. She said she slept a lot better on the new medications last night as well. I hope this new regimen will last a while as she's feeling pretty well today overall. The nurse will have to come for the next 5 days in a row to make sure that her new medications are working out well. 

Me and Mom

Me, mom and Jacqueline