Wednesday, January 13, 2016

What day is it?

Well, that is the question of the day. Mom has been having a hard time this week. It started Sat evening and kinda just escalated. She was not feeling that well Sunday and kind of just slept. She Skyped with my  brother and his family and seemed a little out of it, though we assumed it was from the medications she's on. By Monday morning, she was having a great deal of pain in her chest. Right side just to the middle of her sternum. I gave her some medication's as I was directed to do and ran to an apt I HAD to keep. The Hospice nurse came by while I was gone to see what she could do. She gave her some more medications and left some instructions for me for when I got home. When I got home, mom was pretty out of it, but still hurting a good deal. This was a new pain that seemed very painful and almost out of left field. I had a hunch it might be a pulled muscle because of how she has to turn herself over in the bed. She slept ALL of Monday and we had to wake her up and remind her several times to keep eating just to get a popsicle down her. It's hard to watch and if  you are not seeing it every day, hard to understand just what all of this is like. Monday our oldest took her turn on medicine duty as she get's it round the clock, meaning someone has to get  up in the middle of the night to give it to her. To keep one person from burning out, we take turns.

Yesterday morning I woke up to my new normal- Chaos. A child was not feeling well, mom hurting and out of it and me with a Drs. apt in the afternoon, dinner to worry about and oh yeah. I homeschool three kids! Today this is overwhelming is so an understatement, but we push on because it's what you do. The new CNA came yesterday and helped give mom a bath and wash her hair. Something I can't do on my own because of my shoulder. That did NOT keep me from feeling like I have somehow failed. Failed to take her of her the right way, failed to keep things going... It was a terrible feeling that I am trying to work through. Mom had a hard day yesterday. Not really hurting, but not really being able to communicate very well either. She was so foggy on medications, she had no idea what was going on. At one point, I thought she was reaching for her cup, turns out as she told me...she was driving a boat. Okay, well carry on! She's not eaten in three day's because she can't even figure out what is going on.

After not sleeping last night and going over things in my head. I have some tough choices I have to make for her. I have to get her ready for this trip to see my brother. If we'd known things would be like this, I would have just flown him out here instead. But that is not how things are working out, so I have to get her clear-headed and understanding enough to  know that she might have to deal with being uncomfortable and in a bit of pain to stay clear-headed enough to go visit my brother and his family next week. Not an easy thing for me to have to reconcile. None of this is. So, today... I told her I was not giving her anything except the pain medication she HAS to have.. not the extra doses or the anxiety drugs or anything else... just letting her sleep and "detox" so I can get a clearer understanding of what she actually needs and how best to help her. I can't say enough about her nurse, but they can only offer so much guidance, the rest must be up to us.

 This morning when I woke my mom up to see how she was doing, she said she had a rough night. This is against the report I got that said she slept all night. She said she kept waking up and not knowing where she was. This is the medication. I believe the pain on Monday was a pulled muscle. Balance as I said earlier, is not easy or even on the horizon right now. Perhaps tomorrow will look different. Anway, when I asked my mom what today was, she told me it was Sunday. I informed her that no, it was in fact Wed, that it was her husbands birthday, that she's been asleep since Sunday... she cried. But then five min later, was back to thinking it was Sunday and that someone was at the door because the dogs were barking.

I am not sure what tomorrow holds and the answer to everyone's "how is your mom doing" question is more complex than I can really give. Is she hurting? Immensely. Is is manageable? yes, but to what degree where she is still clear-headed is a question. Can she talk on the phone? Well, I don't know. Have you driven a chariot or submarine today? Because she has! She does not remember the CNA giving her a bath yesterday or them even being here. It's probably the medications, which is why I am taking some off the schedule until I can figure things out more. Give me the strength to get through what will feel like me just being mean to her.

Between juggling finding the money for her final expenses, her illness, her plans, my medical stuff, Al's needs, my kids needs, homeschool and general life... I am not even sure what day it is!

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