Life is not the same, nor will it ever be again. My mother was loved by many. It took many years for my mother and I to find a balance in our relationship that made it what it was near the end. I was not the best of daughters as a child, but I tried to be better in her last days. My mother was a cosmetologist. She loved it very much. She loved creating new styles for people and really loved doing hair color. She did nails for years. She really enjoyed that. Nails were her true passion, she loved the creativity that nails let her express. She was expressive in everything she did.
20 years ago she had a bad car accident and was unable to continue to work. It was pretty hard on her and took her a long time to find her new calling. She did not always make the best choices and decisions during those years. During those years, I was not the easiest child to get along with. Like a lot of mother and daughters, things were not great. As an adult, it took many years to come to terms with all that happened when I was a child.
When we found out she had cancer it was not a question that I offered my home to her so she could have better care and make things easier for Al. I tried with all my soul to give her great care, keep her pain free and be a good friend. We made amends and I feel like I was robbed from her having a relationship with me.
I am glad she found her calling and that making jewelry made her so happy. I am also so glad that she brought so much happiness and smiles to those she made jewelry for. I was also thrilled to see that coloring made her so happy near the end. I can't imagine her being anywhere else as she came near the end of her life. She was happy until the last day before she began to start spiraling down. She was happy about so much in her life, her friends that she would go see at JTV and all the people she "met" from around the world making jewelry.
She will be missed greatly by so many people and that is wonderful in its own way. I wake up thinking I need to check on her, I have nightmares about not doing a good enough job and failing her. In my heart, I know that is not the truth, but having my heart match up with my brain these days is a challenge that I dare say I am not winning. I know grief takes time and will be a daily fight but, it's one that I am going to take on because that is what I do.