Monday, May 30, 2016

A month down ...

One month ago today, my mom spoke her last words to us. They were simple words, private ones that I can't bare to share with everyone, but today a month ago, she made up her mind that she wanted to no longer be in pain, no longer suffer or wait for the next part of her body to fail her and have more medication. She knew that 3 day's later they were coming to put in a pain pump that would make her a zombie, sleeping until her body finally gave out. Unfortunately, her mind and her heart gave up four day's before her body would finally listen, but that day, in her final words to us, I knew that there would be no more laughter coming from her, no more talks or new ideas, no more making it right or remembering things from years ago. She wanted so badly to make things better between her and I that for each morning that I saw her while she was staying here, she would tell me how sorry she was for everything and that she was proud of me, jealous of my relationship with the girls and sorry she was leaving me with so much.

For the next 3 day's, I held her hand, telling her she could go home when she was ready, that I loved her, that we would be okay. I let friends and family talk to her over the phone, even though she really couldn't respond in full words, she did respond that first day. The last 2 day's me, Al, my aunt, and Brad stood 24 hour vidual at her bedside, sleeping on the floor, next to her holding her hand, Al in a chair leaned over her holding her other hand. Tending to her every need that she wasn't able to tell us she needed. We did out best to make her comfortable and hold onto the hope that I was fulfilling the promise I made her to make sure she wasn't in pain in the end. I didn't sleep more than an hour at a time those 4 day's, only letting go of her hand to run to the bathroom and back. I can only assume that I did what she asked of me and eventually, be able to let go of the guilt that I carry in my own private world. It's been so easy for everyone around me to tell me to just let it go, to pick myself up and move on, to just jump back into life.  Day's are getting easier and for the most part, I have begun to heal and find my way back to a "normal" routine with my family. But then day's like today slap me in the face when I realized that she'd been gone almost a whole month, that in 4 day's it would have been a whole month... I was reminded because the cemetery she's in is a Veterans cemetery, and therefore they put flags out today and sent out pictures. Then it suddenly hit me that 4 day's before she passed on from the pain of this world, she spoke her final words to me. It seems so simple, so ridiculous to be heart broken this evening, to have all of those feelings come flooding back.

But, it changes you when you sit in vidual watching a loved one who wanted nothing more than to have the pain end, spend 4 day's in a virtual coma unable to tell us of her needs or her desires.

I can only hope that wherever she is today, she's happy, pain-free and running through grass with bare feet without the need of her braces and special shoes.

The balloon floating away is her cancer color and represents her. She wanted this tattoo and wanted to go with me to get it, but we just ran out of time. I got it a few day's ago. It was bitter-sweet, and I hope she loves it because it was certainly not easy to sit through!